Academic Existential Crisis, 1 am

--There’s a conflict, a frustration, when it comes to being a good student and a good human being. It’s not that they’re mutually exclusive; it’s just that they interact and repel one another in complicated ways.

--There’s so much I could be doing; but I’m held back by what I “have” to do. 

--I don't know why, or what, I'm doing here. 

I remember during workshop week everything was so beautiful we were all being oriented everyone walked around barefoot why couldn't it stay that way? 

--I remember Anne O'Dwyer saying "Don't fall in and out of love." Haha, yeah. Right. What happens automatically when you tell people not to think about or do something?

--Faculty senate is apparently what happens when you "Put a bunch of nice people in a room together, and they all turn into jerks."

--This morning I slipped on ice and fell sideways, on my knee. I was trying to skip. No one saw. 

--I have utterly rejected solid blocks of prose as a form of expression, I refuse. Until next time. 

--Silent mad letters scribbled in the moments before class. I don't know what I'm doing. 

--"Love" written on the arm. Shiny glow letters. Must find definition. 

--Initiation and Culmination. Fear leads from faith. I don't honestly know what the difference is. 

--Start skipping when I'm by myself. The trees soft silent bystanders humming along. 

--Long, long walks thinking "This is what I want to become" seeing the line written down the center of the road. 

--I want to work for admissions or become a peer advocate. Because even though I'm part of the revolution, I still want to infiltrate the establishment. Plus, I love my admissions counselor. 

--I don't know if at this point anything I say should be taken seriously. It's all far too ontological and intellectual. Nothing will ever be what it seems to me again. My consciousness has fundamentally shifted. I suppose that means progress.

--Never before did I realize the power of restfulness. Sleep is  gorgeous thing flannel floral sheets caressing me absorbing the tension building up in my extremities, blotting out the glaring light. I love the nighttime. 

--Glimpses of the sun, caught through a window, glinting between buildings. On my way to and from, I view the earth.

--Social studies division head, quest for understanding. 

--I don't know even what I'm writing about anymore. It's all abstract and self-centered, feel free to abstain. 

--Music: I don't remember what I've heard, I remember different songs played on repeat for long intervals, I remember the music video for the scientist glaring up at me as I crouched by my bed, I remember albums, becoming obsessed. 

--What is this bubble I'm living in? There must be something out there! Some larger world? Hello? Hello?

--Yet I've never felt this enlightened.