Social Networking (NOT)

I joined facebook thinking it would be a social re-connector, allowing me to stay in touch with the friends I don't see anymore. After all, many of these types of website are advertised as "social networking"

This phrase is intended as a double-whammie. Not only is it "social" but it allows you to "network" as well. The word "networking" is accomodatingly vague, because, while the actual meaning is ambiguous, it conveys warm and cozy connotations of hand-holding, platonic interconnectedness. Social networking sites allow you to not only connect but re-connect! You will get to know people in ways you never imagined, portray the real you, not be hindered by the mundane distractions of face-to-face conversation!...

NOT. Who started this commercial anyway? Facebook does none of the above, and I am willing to bet that any social networking site is much the same. In my general experience, there is relatively NO person-to-person communication, aside from an ambiguous thumbs up or half-hearted poke every now and then and perhaps *gasp* an actual comment or two. Comments are rare and special occurrences because they entail reaching beyond apathy to actually 'speak' to one another. And let's be honest: how many people on our friends list to we actually care about enough to comment on their miniscule, daily status updates? I have certain 'friends' (I mark them with quotation marks to distinguish them from my friend friends, the persons I actually enjoy speaking to in real life) who always have a long list of comments on their status updates. Does this signal some wide-reaching influence, or stellar popularity? Quite the reverse; the comments are often repetitive, and more often than not, merely a discussion between two or three of the same exact people. If anything, Facebook helps to narrow your group of 'friends' and friends, not expand it, as more and more of your 'friends' realize that they actually don't care passionately about what flavor of ice cream you would be were you to become a flavor of ice cream.

But what I wouldn't give for even a drab list of four or five comments, me, the anti-social black sheep of black sheep, with a list of 'friends' which barely reaches forty. Once the initial rosy honeymoon phrase of virtual presence wore off, I began to feel as if I had dug myself a narrow hole in the ground in which to burrow and gnash my teeth. No doubt everyone I know has already opted to 'hide' me from their news feed, worn out by my constant stream of chatter and quiz results. Frugality is not my strong point when it comes to the internet, and it shows like a big ol' beerbelly. Facebook has not saved me from myself, it has made me more insufferable. It will not save humanity, it will just turn us all into selfish, territorial beasts with false smiles glued in place.

Yes, Facebook has failed me. But never fear, I have found new hope: http://twitter.com/thedaisyedition. Come visit me. I'm lonely with only five followers.