The Power of Positivity

This past January, I participated in my first Alternatives to Violence (AVP) workshop. One of my favorite activities was a simple affirmation exercise, where we spent three minutes telling someone else what we like about ourselves and then our partner introduced us to two other people based on what we had told them. I was unsure of what to talk about, how to dredge through all the ordinary details I know of myself and relate and find something appealing that a new acquaintance would be able to understand. However, the most uplifting portion of the exercise came when I got to introduce my partner to two other participants. I related what she had told me in turn, weaving in my own impressions, and found that I underwent a transformation as I was talking about a new acquaintance in only positive terms.

I tend to focus on the negatives, especially where other people are concerned: not only what I don't like about them, but what I find ill-suited, inconvenient, momentarily distracting. And I almost never talk about what I like about people I know, let alone about what they like in themselves. This situation can be even more pronounced with family and old friends. We've known each other so long that we just fall back onto our accustomed roles, lazily spewing out half-hearted barbs that may hit home more often than we know. I pride myself on having a small, close group of friends that I can say anything to, and vice versa, with no one feeling any the worse for it. We like to refer to ourselves as a (highly) dysfunctional extended family. But is that what family's really about? I'm beginning to doubt it.

In the affirmation exercise, my partner and I were paired with a couple for the latter part--a husband and wife, both getting on in years who have known each other for the greater portion of their lives. They laughed at the fact that they were put together in such  a seemingly absurd way, yet they went along with it gamely. I started to think about the fact that so many relationships can fall into a state of decay--friendships as well as romantic attachments--simply because we grow weary of one another or begin to forget what brought us together to begin with. That was obviously not the case with this couple, but it's something I've experienced firsthand, and I know it is an all-too-common occurence for many.


So that's why I did a double-take the other day when my facebook friends started posting statuses that read '"LIKE" this status and I will send you a wall post saying something I like about you.' At first it sounded like a silly gag, just another way to push the boundaries of comfort an social discretion on the internet. But then I paused. It was possible, I speculated, for this to be used as a positive tool, a kind of online affirmation exercise, to affirm the good you see in others and also to remind yourself what drew you to these people in the first place.

So I "liked" the statuses of my friends and posted my own, waiting eagerly to see who would jump in. It has become a sort of challenge, deciding what to say to certain friends. I began all my messages so far with "Among other things..." just so they know that I appreciate them as a whole person, not simply one attribute. And I've enjoyed.

This just adds to my growing conviction that when we feel disgruntled, or melancholy, or just plain upset and angry, we have the power to change. Too often our feelings are simply the result of an elaborate process of blaming others, or blaming ourselves, for situations that are often far beyond our control and which may not be so terrible after all. I've never had much stomach for sugarcoated lectures in self esteem; I do think it's important to recognize our faults, so that we can improve as human beings. But recognizing the essential good that lies at the heart of each person, including ourselves, can be a powerful step towards that improvement, especially if we can manage to tap in to that positive portion of ourselves and use it to motivate our attitudes and actions.