I've thought a long time about how to approach this topic. But I don't really know how, so I decided to do what I usually do: start typing and hope the words come out. I usually try not to use this blog as a personal diary, or a chance to vent my personal feelings. But it's hard for me to think about anything else right now, so you'll have to bear with me. There's music at the end.
As of this moment, I am committed to go to college in the fall. Even though I've been considering the possibility for a long, long time, this reality hasn't sunk in yet. One reason is that I don't feel that I completely made my decision, but we had to send in the consent and deposit by the deadline, so, well, there you have it.
I am a horrible decision-maker. When I'm ordered what to do, I can often adjust to it, even if it's not what I would prefer. But when I am free to choose, I agonize and procrastinate, arduously weighing over the pros and cons and wrestling with myself until often coming to a last-minute impulse decision that I will make myself anxious about later on. As it is, I don't know if I'll ever be resolved one way or another. My dad told me it's not necessary for me to be 100% sure--just maybe 75-80%. As it is, I think I fall in the 65-70% region. Argh.
One thing that does make me feel a bit better about this choice is that I only applied to one school this year, a college that I think is a perfect fit for me and will allow me to attend early, before I've even *officially* finished high school. The thought of applying to multiple colleges, and having to face a decision among a seemingly endless list of competing positives, is, frankly, terryifying.
The thought of college is endlessly exciting--a community of learners, all committed to self-discovery and world exploration. Independence. Stimulation. Opportunity. But I have no way of knowing how the reality measures up to my self-invented advertisement rhetoric until I actually go there. I'll probably have to deal with drugs, alcohol, unpleasant roomates, substandard food, and homesickness just like everyone else. I know I'll have to deal with the ultra unpleasantness of college loans. But my hope is that the positive will balance out the negative, and I'll get an experience like no other. After all, experience is only what you make of it. Being happy is the one decision that's easy for me to make. And after thinking, talking, crying and praying about this choice I think (I hope!) I'm ready.
*blink**blink*
ReplyDeletewait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, WHAT?????? um, thx for letting me know.....
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