I write this post conscious of the fact that Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' "Welcome to the Heist" album being my first exposure to rap is somewhat lame. I know it reeks of mainstream culture, white privilege and whatnot. I won't even dwell on the fact that I'm listening to this album about a year late, except to note that coming late into popular trends seems to be my own brand of reverse hipsterdom. Or maybe that's just an excuse. Anyway.
I've never been someone who listens to rap. Mostly, because I didn't know where to start. I take my musical consumption rather seriously, and I didn't want to turn myself off from the genre as a whole by listening to the wrong stuff. And I never stumbled into it of my own accord, until now.
I have to admit that I am a sucker for 1) men who are very conscious of their own failings 2) well-written lyrics (maybe I'm betraying my ignorance again by using this term, but I don't know what else to call them. You know what I mean.) 3) Honesty and authenticity in telling your own story.
I like Macklemore for the same reason that I like Taylor Swift. He writes from his own experience, drawing directly from what he knows, and not apologizing for it. I wouldn't expect the stories coming from the two of them to be the same, anymore than I would expect that from any two people in the world. This miniature exposure to the world of RAP (which I hope will grow and become more legitimate) reminds me of something I believe lies at the core of ART: tell your story, (whether it is yours or someone else's), with as much presence and direct honesty as you can. What is beautiful is authentic, and vice versa. By beautiful I don't necessarily mean elegant, or pleasing. Pain and anger and disappointment can be beautiful, so long as they are real. ART is what serves as the vehicle for these expressions.
I haven't entered the online dating sphere myself, but I know a few friends who have ventured into that world recently, so I took the approach that any sensible, over-intellectual person would in relation to something they feel inhibited about: I watched a Ted talk.
This talk, presented by digital strategist (I have no idea what that means, either) Amy Webb, turned out to be enlightening on a number of levels, most of them not related to online dating, or at least not directly.
The story, in a nutshell, is this: Amy Webb was feeling frustrated with the lackluster responses to her online dating profile. She decided to take matters into her own hands by creating a list of data points that summed up what she was searching for in a partner. She further subdivided these points into top tier traits (those that were absolutely necessary) and second tier traits ("important, but not necessarily dealbreakers.")
What struck me the most about Webb's approach was how confident she was of her own desires. Now, I'm guessing that some of this self-assurance emerges after years of dating experience. Generally, greater experience in any field leads to greater sense of discrimination in defining one's own preferences. I can relate this to how studying a broad liberal arts curriculum in college has basically just taught me what I don't like and, by process of elimination, helped me to determine what I do.
Now, I've only been active in the dating sphere for a little over a year now, and 90% of that time was spent in a single, monogamous relationship. My experiences before that basically amount to a string of overly impassioned unreciprocated attachments. So I haven't had a whole lot of time to develop an idea of what I like and dislike in a romantic partner.
Webb was repeatedly criticized by family members for being "too picky." I can relate, as someone who has often gotten the sense that I take relationships too seriously; if I could just lower my standards and stop expecting love that blows me out of the water, I'm sure there would be plenty of people into me.
But Webb discovered that it wasn't necessary that she lower her standards in order to be romantically successful; rather, it was necessary that she determine exactly what her own standards were so that they could be met. Once she came up with her list of desired traits, and tweaked her personal profile to represent herself more accurately, she immediately attracted someone who fit all of her requirements and beyond.
What struck me most about Webb's approach was that she viewed herself as an active, effective agent in her own love life, when the overwhelming cultural narrative portrayed in the media is that true love is irrational, immediate, and stems from helpless, hopeless attraction which one can't control or escape. Just think about how many love songs are written about about being stuck in an unhealthy relationship that the speaker simply can't do without.
Watching this talk gave me permission to begin to formulate my own sense of what I was looking for in a romantic partner. Since my choices previously had been guided by a set of cultural norms that views love as an irrational force in which we are inactive and ineffective, I had allowed myself to get caught up in the tides of love, making compromises and accepting subjectively undesirable traits in those I was attracted to, since I thought that the energetic force of love was enough to overcome such points of friction. What I really was doing was surrendering my own desires and preferences, giving up my agency in relation to others, and not allowing myself to be discerning in understanding why I found certain tendencies problematic. Although I do think that love is a universal force that can overcome any difference, I also decided that I wanted to stop sacrificing the integrity of my convictions in order to accommodate (at some other point, I'm sure, I will write more about how this is often a tendency that comes up for women, moreso than men, in romantic relationships).
So I began constructing an imaginary list in my head: -I want someone who will initiate communication with me -Someone who will send me their poetry or artwork or other forms of expression -Someone who I can talk to about my own artistic endeavors -Someone who will support me in leading a life according to my values -Someone who is intelligent and brilliant and intellectual but that I don't feel intimidated by -Someone who will be loving and supportive but not overbearing or demand excess amounts of attention -Someone who will give me space and time to be alone but will also constantly reaffirm their love for me -Someone I can dance with -Someone who I will have amazing, inspiring late night conversations with
etc.
A few weeks before, while surfing the facebook stratosphere, I came across the following quote by Gloria Steinem:
At the time, I reposted the quote, nodding my agreement without thinking on it too deeply. But as I was running through my list of desired traits in my head, I realized that they all had to do with activities or attentions I wish were more present in my life, and not necessarily in a romantic connection with another person.
I had a sudden Aha! moment of revelation: I am the person I've been looking for. Almost all of the traits I described above are things that I do for other people, and that I simply wish were reciprocated more often. But they are also things that I can do for myself pretty easily; by inspiring and supporting my own artistic practice, seeking out poems and pictures that inspire me, appreciating my own writing and forms of expression, processing my own experience through writing about it (not relying solely on conversation) and dancing my heart out, with or without a partner.
As I write this, I am pretty goofy-in love with another person. But that love has been allowed to grow and strengthen because I was not seeking it out to fulfill a need; it emerged out of a connection that strengthens and supports the love I am feeling for myself and many people around me at this moment in time. When I am being my own best friend, I am more able to appreciate another person for who they are, rather than desperately trying to fit them into a role in my life. And part of appreciating myself is becoming conscious of and confident in my own desires. This person is my heart partner in ways that transcend personality traits, but our hearts were able to find one another because they each shine so brightly on their own.
I coax it, like an animal,
out of hiding and into my presence.
It wants only what I can give it, a
crumb in the hand--it is not after
the pleasure of my presence.
Alas, my hand is empty, and I
have fed it the last grain from my pockets.
"I have nothing for you,
today." I whisper, and off she scurries
to find someone waiting
with full hands.
But where are these hands that
are empty? I look around me and see
the grain drying in the fields, food
scraps scattered on the pavement, a
tree blooming. "Come back!" I call
after her, but she is
out of hearing.
So I go out searching
for the seeds I can feed her
tomorrow.
